


You're All I have Left

by inkedmind1994



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Bunker Fluff, Bunker Life, Coping, End of the World, F/M, Light BDSM, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-06-30 14:21:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15753471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedmind1994/pseuds/inkedmind1994
Summary: Deputy Mercy Anderson has given everything to save Hope County. She had sacrificed, killed and fought her way to justice. Or so she thought. Now she's stuck with the Father for the foreseeable future, and he's not making it easy for her. With her own crimes coming back to haunt her, will she let Joseph in? Or will they kill each other trying to finding salvation?Slowburn. Inspired by other works found here. Joseph/Female Deputy with flashbacks to John/ Female Deputy.





	1. What are you going to do with me?

I struggled against the cuffs. He always had to be right. I sucked in a furious breath and pulled again. My wrists didn’t suddenly get smaller, much to my dismay.

There were no longer the furious sounds of the earth fighting the nuclear attack. The bunker no longer creaked. It was too silent for my mind to deal with.

Since his mighty monologue of ‘ _I told you so_ ’ and the creepy ‘ _you’re my child_ ’, he had sat silently in prayer most of the time. This was occasionally broken up by bathroom breaks, and general nourishment. I sighed then moved awkwardly; it twisted my arm, causing the cuffs to dig in further. I groaned which earned a smirk from Joseph, but he didn’t say a word. I was being punished for my sins.

His silence was unsettling. He just watched me.

Our eyes met, and my stomach turned. Some part of me felt guilty for inflicting the bruises and cuts that peppered his face. That part of me was quickly suffocated by all the other parts that remembered he was a selfish power-hungry man who had not only tried to kill me but ordered for me to be at one point brainwashed. I tried not to think about the implications that he had been right about the end of the world, that would really lower his bad guy points.

His blue eyes considered me before flicking back to the bible he had managed to find.

“What are you going to do with me?” I finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Deputy, I’m going to look after you,” Joseph leaned forward onto his knees, closing the bible. “Today I think it is time to tend to you.”

My brow furrowed while I tried to think about what he meant but before I could try to figure it out, he produced a key for the cuffs. He undid one of them, letting my hands be free from the metal bar. I was frozen by this seeming display of kindness. He pulled me up to standing. My bruises and strains caused me to put my hands onto his bare chest for extra support. Why doesn’t he wear a shirt? It had been a full day, but then I couldn’t quite remember. Watching him from under my lashes, I tried to figure out his game plan was. He had left one cuff on. He was clearly planning chaining me up again.

His eyes said kindness, but fuck was I going to believe him.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Joseph said softly. “We must care for your wounds.” His arm went around my waist as my arm was pulled roughly over his shoulders. Fear trickled down my spine and I stiffened in his hold. We walked through the bunker at a slow pace.

He stopped me outside the door to the bathroom. My eyes went wide when I realised.

He pulled me into the room with a gentle force. When he went to recuff me around the shower pipe, I found my strength. I pushed back against him with a hiss and managed to rip my hands out of his hold.

“I will not let you shower me,” My voice was hoarse, but I managed to lace it with some venom. He wrapped his arms around mine and I found them pinned behind my back easily.

“Deputy, you must let me help you, I was merely trying to protect myself,” Joseph stated confidently. “You can be so stubborn and… volatile.”

“I will shower alone,” I hissed but stilled. His hands let go and he released the other cuff. I sighed and leaned forward to flick on the shower. It came on while I focused on trying to undo the buttons of my flannel shirt. There was an eerie silence. I paused unbuttoning my shirt just at my chest.

It was only when I turned that Joseph spoke up. His arms crossed, and his eyes set steadily on mine.

“I won’t be leaving you alone,” Joseph said before sitting down on the toilet seat. “There is a shower curtain. You can have modesty if you wish it.” I grimaced then a wicked thought dawned on me. I could shower in all my glory, unfiltered, no hiding. The holy than thou Father would be thoroughly unsettled by it. Then if I pushed him too far, I didn’t know what he would do.

I took the towel from his outstretched hand and awkwardly tried to undress underneath it. He watched me but made no indication of caring either way. I stepped into the shower before quickly pulling the curtain around. I threw the towel over the top without warning and heard a quiet grumble.

The water hit my cold skin. At first it was too warm then my body adjusted after a few gasps and groans from myself. I washed my skin. Dirt and ash slid from my chest and face down into the drain. I nearly moaned from the satisfaction then the soap met the still fresh wounds on my arms. I cursed loudly.

“Are you alright?” Joseph’s voice called over the thunder of the shower.

“I’m fine,” I said through gritted teeth. He shifted outside but didn’t open the curtain. I continued to clean my arms then I put the soap in my hair which slid into a gash on my face. I cursed again. This time Joseph was silent. I scrubbed dirt from the scar that John had inflicted across my chest. Images of him grinning as I twisted under his touch, flooded my brain.

_Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry_.

I finished cleaning myself in a daze. Without thinking, I opened the curtain wide. Joseph didn’t blush or bat an eyelid at my naked body. It was almost like he thought this was a normal state of dress for me to be in. He offered me the towel and I rigidly took it from him. My cheeks went red as soon as I had covered myself. It didn’t clear my mind from the impending fog that threatened it, but the embarrassment was a new emotion in the presence of Joseph Seed.

“Deputy, you’re bleeding,” He took my right arm in his hands and inspected the cut with tenderness I had seen him show his siblings.

“It’s nothing,” I shrugged, trying to calm my anxiety at him being so close. “I just need a couple of stitches.”

“I will do this for you my child,” Joseph commanded. My face must have reflected the anger at being treated like a child. I had sewn up my wounds before. “Please, deputy. I insist.” His cold eyes bore into mine. I looked away and conceded. Tiredness was trying to pull me down and I could no longer face fighting it.

I was led back to the bed before Joseph produced a bottle of whiskey and some other supplies. I took the bottle from his hands roughly and took a long gulp. I went to drink another swig, but Joseph’s hand wrapped around mine.

“Deputy,” He warned. With a sigh, I allowed him to take it from me. He sterilised the needle with the whiskey and positioned himself. The needle danced over the edge of the cut, which was still leaking. He looked up at me briefly then I was looking at John. My heart plummeted. My breathing faltered. His blue eyes danced with glee and it reignited something in me. He was here to punish me. This time I deserved it, craved it even. I licked my lips with a thought to his hands on my skin. Then I remembered he was dead. I killed him.

“Are you ready?” Joseph’s voice broke through the apparition and I was looking at Joseph again. I swallowed then nodded. The needle pierced my skin. I huffed out a breath, trying not to hear John shouting at me.

_“I’m going to teach you how to say yes!”_ His voice was swirling around me. The pain of the needle was nothing compared to repeatedly hearing John’s twisted voice encouraging me. It was sick I would give anything to have him in this bunker rather than Joseph.

Joseph was working with a level of concentration usually reserved for praying. His fingers deftly pulled and pushed the needle through my skin. I nearly opened my mouth to cry out, or groan, but then I could hear John.

_“Just let the pain free you! Let it cleanse you! Just say YES!”_

I sucked in a breath. My eyes flickered closed in a peaceful meditative state. John’s face was so close to mine and it comforted me. I could feel his gentle kisses on my cheek, his caress on my other arm, his fingers wrapped in my hair. I smiled as Joseph continued to close the wound slowly with purpose.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to continue?” Joseph asked with a hint of concern.

“ **Yes!** ” I said a little too loudly. “I mean yes you can continue.” I peaked from under my lashes to see a knowing look cross Joseph’s face. He could probably recognise the work of his younger brother. 

He muttered something before continuing his work.

“What?” I asked curiously.

“I now understand why John had such a fixation on you,” Joseph repeated. I stiffened under his hold. The needle pierced the skin for the last time. Joseph knotted the thread after tightening it. “I now know why he thought your sin was wrath, not pride.” He cut the thread and sat back in the chair to regard me. I rubbed my arm but was careful of the stitches. I noted that Joseph had been very neat in his work.

“Why is that?” I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear him say it out loud.

“He loved you,” Joseph seemed to be saddened by this revelation. “John’s sin was lust, but with you he was so concerned about saving you and cleansing you of your sins, it can’t have been lust. He cared about you too deeply. My younger brother had finally opened his heart to love.”

Tears threatened my eyes, but I looked down at the stitches. I recalled Joseph's voicemail to John that he had left at his ranch... He had spoken then about John opening his heart and resisting the need to inflict his own sins on others. He had been wrong about that one. John had reacted the way he had out of love not lust. He had wanted me to feel the pain I had inflicted on me.

“You resisted his attempts to save you and he reacted with anger,” Joseph continued. “Because he knew you loved him too. You both were full of wrath, but yours was drawn from pride. His from love.” His fingers pushed my chin up, so I could no longer avoid his gaze. The tears that had threatened spilling over were no longer contained. They fell freely down my cheeks.

“How does it feel to have killed the one you love for nothing? To have been wrong? To have created so much pain for nothing? What did you win, Deputy?” Joseph sneered as if expecting me to respond equally as hatefully.

“There are no words to describe this pain,” I whispered hoarsely never looking away from his eyes, so like his brother's. “I do not deserve forgiveness from any God for what I did to John.”

Joseph nodded, all anger gone from his eyes, and his hand roughly grasped the back of my head, bringing his forehead to mine. “But I have forgiven you,” He said quietly. “You’re all I have left. Together we will find your path to redemption, we will pray for your forgiveness from God. I am your father and you are my child, thus it is my job to guide you.”

The strangely touching moment been twisted into a strange sermon in an instant. I felt Joseph let me go.

“I will find you some fresh clothes,” Joseph stood up with a small, almost, triumphant smile. I managed to hide my irritation until he had disappeared from the room. He was all I had left but I still wanted to squeeze the life from his lungs and bleed him dry for all that he made me do.


	2. Sleeping Tigers

The next week was a strange collection of awkward small talk and trying to avoid as much contact with Joseph as possible. He would come into a room and I would find some excuse to leave it. He never brought up John again and we managed to prevent any explosive conversations about dead loved ones, religion and the end of the world. It was quite an achievement since the rumbling above had returned.

Our co-existence was a fragile thread. I knew if either one of us lashed out, the peace we had managed to cultivate would be broken.

At least he had decided to put on one of Dutch’s loose undershirts. I forced myself to ignore the fact he had killed Dutch, who I’m sure was hidden in one of the cold rooms in the bunker for now.

I was sitting down at the table, eating a satisfying mixture of rice and corn, when Joseph decided to bridge the quiet divide.

“What is your full name, Deputy?” Joseph asked before taking a careful mouthful.

“Did you only now realise that you don’t know my name?” I smirked then met the eyes of the Father and immediately regretted it. His face was stone cold.

“I know your second name, Anderson, but I want you to tell me your first name, you know mine and we are living in such close proximity that Deputy and Anderson seem quite formal,” Joseph stated. The coldness had seeped back into his eyes.

I swallowed, “It’s Mercy.” I watched the realisation dawn on his face. He started to chuckle then it erupted into a full-blown laugh. I gripped the edge of the table, preparing to have to use my cutlery to fight off a maniac.

“How perfect,” Joseph rubbed his beard as he stopped laughing. “God does truly work in mysterious ways.”

“I thought you knew.”

“Why?”

“Because you made it your business to know everything,” I sighed then continued to spoon the meal into my mouth. I swirled my spoon around the plate, playing with the food.

“Mercy,” My name dripped off his tongue with venom.

“I was nearly called Edna,” I tried to make light of the situation. “So… Mercy is a bit of an upgrade.” I glanced up at him and realised it was no time for humour.

“Deputy Mercy Anderson,” The way my name and title rolled around in his mouth was disturbing. It sent a tingle down my spine just like when we had first met and I had been forced to cuff him. 

I gulped and kept eating.

“Your parents? What were they like?” I looked up startled by his question. I had hoped the small talk segment was over for the day.

“They were normal parents, I guess,” I mumbled. “I never wanted, or needed for anything.”

“Were?”

“They were considerably older when they had me, they died of old age last year. One after another. A couple of months apart.”

“I'm sorry to hear that but what a blessing,” Joseph murmured. He was being sincere. “Did you move to Montana before, or after they died?”

“You don’t know my first name, but you know I lived in another state,” I smiled softly and Joseph, for some reason, returned the smile. “Before. I grew up in North Dakota. On a farm funnily enough.”

“How is that funny?”

“I traded one farm town for another,” I noted. “I did live in a cabin here though but not a major difference really. In the middle of nowhere, quiet.”

“Yes, Jacob was always very interested in your interest in the wilder life,” Joseph nodded. I froze at the mention of the eldest Seed brother, yet Joseph continued without much thought. “Why did you choose to be a Deputy?”

“Are you really asking why I’m here?”

“Yes.”

“I couldn’t tell you,” I shrugged. He cocked an eyebrow and I put my hands up defensively. “I really don’t know. I felt…”

“Drawn to here,” He finished for me. I just nodded.

“God wanted you to be here... with me,” Joseph whispered with piercing eyes that reminded me he was clearly a psychopath.  I broke away from his possessive gaze and began clearing away the dishes.

We didn’t interact again until it was time to sleep. Despite the fact I knew the world was burning outside, I felt so cold. Maybe it was the grief setting in. Curled up in the fetal position on the sofa, I had encased myself in blankets and jumpers found around the bunker. Joseph walked into the living room, bible in hand and a small smile broke out on his face.

“Are you cold, my child?” He crossed his arms and watched me from the door frame.

I glared at him.

“Would you like to sleep in the bed tonight?” He asked softly. "It is much warmed and probably more comfortable. That sofa is very old."

My face paled. “Sleep in the bed **with** you?”

He nodded.

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

His face went back to its cold natural state. With a sharp exhale, he turned and left. I swore at myself for continuing to piss off the only person I had left even if he was a psycho. He had been trying to be kind. If I had learned anything from fighting the Seeds, they thought they were being kind – in a sick deluded sort of way. I didn’t move however. The prospect of walking through the cold was not attractive.

The guilt ate away at me. _Why was I feeling shame for not wanting to sleep in the same bed as a man who had tortured my friends? Why did I even care what he thought?_ _He was murderer and psychopathic cult leader for god's sake!_

Then my brain reminded me that until the world returned to normality (if that was even possible), he was all I had. Even if we loathed each other. He was right. We were all each other had. No turning back. No get out of jail free card this time.

I willed myself up. I shed the layers of fabric, dragged them behind me and padded across the floor in oversized socks. My tanned bruised legs became covered in goosebumps.

Joseph was a peaceful sleeper. It was nice and new to see him so gentle, warm and calm. When he was awake, he was always on edge. He was constantly trying to figure out everyone around him, just like his baby brother. A breath shuddered from me, but I held it when Joseph opened his eyes to look at me.

“I didn't mean to be rude. I just...” I whispered yet Joseph simply slid over and patted the space next to him. Sitting down, I dragged the blankets with me. I covered us both then laid down next to him. His arm wrapped around me and pulled me closer. My back to his chest, his breath on my neck. He was thoughtful enough to not say anything but pulled me closer.

My breath shook as I closed my eyes. Pictures of John, stolen kisses and soft embraces. It was a constant stream of painful memories. His face, his kiss, his fingers tracing the tattoos on my shoulders. I let the pain consume me. Joseph held me tighter, and he acted like an anchor to reality. I opened my eyes.

I should be sickened. I should be bristling with animosity. Yet I couldn’t feel anything but pain at the loss. I should be angry. I should be anything but this. I had loved his brother despite everything but the part of him that had been twisted by Joseph was something she had tolerated rather than embraced.

_“Deputy,” He whispered. “Mercy.” John’s hands held my face. We were alone in his bunker. I was still tied down to the chair, but my face desperately tried to meet his._

_“John, please,” I begged. He grinned, and his mouth met mine. His kiss was passionate and full of fire. It sent shocks through me. I struggled against my restraints. He pulled back._

_“You are just too sinful,” He smirked and pushed my hair back off my face._

_“Only for you,” I smiled. With that, he removed my restraints and his lips were back on mine. His hands were everywhere at once. I sighed with contentment. Forgetting temporarily about Hudson and not feeling guilty for it at all. I knew as John’s hands went to my throat, that this was fucked up._

John and I had been… volatile - like Joseph had said about me. It had been, no doubt in Joseph’s mind, sinful. His passion drove me to do things I never thought I would do. He had been in my veins like a drug and I had to cut him out to save everyone else. When he had pinned me down to give me my sin, I had cried furiously but he had just looked down at me with love and fury. 

“You must calm down,” Joseph’s voice broke through my painful trip down memory-lane. My hands were clenched tight around the blankets balled at my chin. I relaxed my jaw to stop my teeth from grinding.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

Joseph’s hand slid to collarbone and two careful fingers found my pulse. It quickened at the touch. The predator was reminding the prey who was in charge.

“You must slow down Mercy,” He hissed into my ear. He was playing with me. His hand wrapped around my throat, testing my resolve. I didn’t move. I chose not to struggle. John was still fresh in my mind. He had taught me how to survive pain and taught me how to fight all your natural instincts. He had taught me to not only be comfortable with pain but to enjoy it. I took a deep inhale then felt Joseph’s hand tighten gently around my windpipe.

“Good,” He whispered. He tightened further, and I closed my eyes to focus on holding my breath. He was satisfied and let go. He pulled me closer and his face nuzzled gently into my hair before his nose grazed my shoulder, falling asleep. I relaxed into his tight hold only then.

My eyes closed, and I found a peaceful sleep.


	3. Break me down

When I woke, Joseph was already up. In his normal position of reading his edited bible at Dutch’s desk in the corner.  I laid there and watched him. He had taken out his bun, and his hair was wild. He needed a shower. He had cleaned himself up after the first day in the bunker, but he seemed wary of leaving me alone with a range of weapons, both actual and household appliances, at my disposal.

“You can shower y’know,” I said. He glanced over his shoulder.

“I will, it is no concern of yours,” He replied turning back to the desk. 

“It is, I’m living with you,” I snorted.

He smirked at that admission of acceptance.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked but there was smile on his voice.

I grimaced. “Yes.”

“Good. You talk in your sleep. Quite a bit actually.” He still sat at the desk, leaning over the bible.

“I know.” I covered my face in embarrassment then peeked through them to see Joseph undressing. His shirt hit the floor, revealing his scarred and tattooed torso. A part of me that craved human contact woke up at the sight. 

“It’s fine, you didn’t say anything too surprising. You said my name. Was I in your dreams, deputy? What did I do?” The return of my title made me question his motives. The mention of dream Joseph was also not helpful. Joseph in my dreams was a lot more agreeable to the Joseph standing in this bunker. 

I said nothing and rolled over, trying to block him out.

“You can’t keep hiding from me, Mercy. I won’t let you deny who you are. You must face your sins head on.” Joseph stated. 

“I’m not denying who I am,” I snorted at the assertion. “I’m not hiding anything. I am most certainly not indulging in any sins in this bloody bunker.”

“You hid from your sin with John. You let his sin consume you,” Joseph sneered. With his bare chest, and rosary beads still tied around his hand, he was back to Joseph the Father. Not Joseph the regular psycho who had been living in the bunker. The supposedly caring Father was stood studying me with a look of judgement.

“I did not hide my sin with or from John,” I shouted and tore out of bed, outraged he had mentioned his little brother. “What is my sin then Joseph? Tell me. I would love to fucking know!”

“Your sin – it is your sins,” He growled, emphasising the plural of sin. “You suffer from all the same sins I did, and still do. Lust, pride, wrath, greed and envy. You still can seek forgiveness. I will help you. We are all sinners. You can be free from sin if you let me help you,” He took me by the shoulders. His blue eyes pleaded with me.

I felt my face twist in anger at being forced into a lecture by Joseph Seed. It had been going somewhat well – as well as it could be living with a cult leader.

“I am not a _peggie_ , or one of your _flock_ ,” I hissed angrily. “I _loved_ your brother. I will not let you mock what we had. I will not let you twist me into an empty shell. You may have been right about the world going to shit, but I don’t have to like it. And I don't have to like you. I will not bow to you Father. I won't drink your fucking kool-aid.” I spat out his self-appointed title. He flinched, and anger swept over his features. He pulled me roughly towards the bathroom.

“You forget Deputy,” He growled as I struggled in his grip. “I have seen your sins. You have taken my family from me. You took everything **from me**.” I slipped, and he dragged me backwards by my hair. I screamed in fury. When I finally could stand, I punched him hard. The sound stunned him, and he turned his face back to me. Dread swallowed me up.

He grabbed my hair again. My skull connected with the door frame. I cried out and my body crumpled.

“I will cleanse you of this sin, wrath,” Joseph hissed. “Just as John tried to.” I heard the bathtub filling behind him. I groggily looked up from the floor at the blurry image of Joseph which flickered between him and John. John’s smile made me smile dizzily.

“Please don't,” I begged weakly when Joseph dragged me over to the tub.

“This will have to do,” Joseph sneered and began reciting quotations he had no doubt memorised from his book. I felt so dizzy. He grabbed me again and my head became submerged into the cold water. My body bent awkwardly over the tub. I screamed into the water. He held me there for what felt like minutes but could have only been seconds.

Being pulled back into the air, I gasped in a breath. The part of my brain that had been messed up since the first day in the bunker clicked back into place.

My fist connected with Joseph’s jaw and I felt my stitches start to split. I grimaced. He fell backwards in shock at how quickly I had found my resolve. He tried to struggle against me, but I had pinned him down. I lifted my fist again to land another strike. Yet when I met his blue eyes, I stopped.

My brown hair clung to my face and shoulders as my eyes blinked rapidly.

I was thinking about killing another person. _What did it solve? Nothing._ Everyone had died for nothing. I had destroyed a part of me for nothing. I had killed the one I love for nothing. I had destroyed everything Joseph built for nothing.

If I had beaten him to an inch of his life, did that make me the better person? Did that make me right? My heart sank. No. If I did this, I would be the same as Joseph. I would be equally as vile.

He was all I had left. No matter the reason, godly intervention or otherwise, he was all I had left. I couldn’t be alone anymore. I had been alone for too long even when surrounded by the resistance. No one knew me. No one even knew my full name. Except the sheriff, the deputies and...John and he was supposed to be the enemy. They were all gone now. It was all my fault.

Joseph stilled underneath me. His eyes opened in awe just as the first of my tears fell. I groaned at the turmoil that was tearing me up on the inside.

I grabbed his neck and went to squeeze but couldn’t find the energy. He was watching me calmly. His hands encased mine. 

“My child,” He whispered kindly. The sobs wracked through my core and I collapsed on top of him. His arms wrapped around me.

“I can’t be like you,” I cried into his neck. Tears covered my face. His hands rubbed up and down my damp spine. “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I just can’t.” The cry of pain shot through me as all my crimes caught up with me at once. I was broken. “Just stop. Please just stop. Stop making me fight you. We have killed so many. We have sacrificed so much. Please don’t make me hurt you anymore. Please think of John and Jacob and Faith. We can’t keep doing this. There’s nothing left.” My voice was hoarse and raw as I pressed my forehead against his collarbone.

I slid off him. His arms offered no resistance.

I curled up next to him on the concrete floor.  He turned on his side. His fingers traced my wet face gently.

“Shh,” Joseph whispered, his own voice breaking.

I opened my eyes to see Joseph Seed crying. Tears streamed from the broken blue eyes in front of me. He began sobbing yet he still reached out to me. I allowed him to comfort me. To take me in. 

We pulled each other into a tense hug. He hushed my cries as they ripped through me. His own tears silent.

He pressed a kiss on the top of my head and whispered something. I was too tired and overwhelmed to ask what.

Two worst enemies were bubbling like children on the floor of a dead man’s bunker. What a sight to behold.


	4. Screw you!

We didn’t speak about that morning. A week passed, and it was like living in a monastery. Both of us were in silent prayer, completing tasks without a word around each other. A wordless agreement to coexist.

I flicked through the pages of an old trashy romance novel while snuggled up on the couch. Joseph sat next to me, reading his own bible. In another life, this could be a happy couple enjoying a quiet night in.  However, this couple had made a pillow wall between each other and would not be exchanging any loved-up glances. Despite the great wall of pillows, my eyes kept drifting back to the Father without much provocation. He was leaning back against the sofa, bible perched in his hands. The rosary hung gently from his fingers and grazed the jean-clad thigh. He was wearing a shirt this time. A flannel which he left unbuttoned to reveal the very peak of his crown tattoo. He caught me staring. I tried to force myself to give him a convincing smile before turning back to pretend to read my book. 

Joseph had been extremely considerate over the last week. He had made me cups of tea (black due to the lack of fresh milk), meals, and giving me the bed to myself. If I hadn’t fought the man for so long, I would think he had given me control. I knew this wasn’t the case. He was picking his battles. He was watching me. Studying me was a better choice of words.

Joseph closed the bible and set it down. He barely glanced at me as he left the room no doubt to do something regimented and orderly like exercise. He was reminding though his actions that if it hadn't been for the position as a deputy, I would have suffered from the sin of sloth. Idleness was something that came incredibly easy to me. 

Despite his regimen and considerate actions, he had me on edge. His touch made my skin tingle, his eyes set off a fire inside me and I could no longer take showers without fighting the urge to get off. 

The morning I woke up to find him doing push-ups, I had to remove myself from the room. His skin had been covered in sweat, when his eyes had met mine, something pooled at the bottom of my stomach and coiled. Continuing to exert himself, he didn’t look away. He just went up and down with determination. He never looked away. I caved first. The eyes had still haunted me in the kitchen whilst drying some plates.

Maybe it was getting to that certain time of the month.

I sighed as I read a particularly idiotic paragraph of the romance novel. Yet with all the thoughts of Joseph exercising, I thought about taking a shower. An itch travelled across my skin – a type of itch I couldn’t scratch without help.

I tried to read the page, but my mind was conjuring up memories of John on top of me, behind me. Then it shifted into fantasies of Joseph. I swallowed and found my mouth dry. I threw the novel across the room in frustration, I was sick of getting played with even if it was at the hands of my own brain. 

I headed to bathroom. I closed the door quickly and shuddered.

A cold shower. I needed a cold shower.

I undressed quickly, nearly slipping as I stepped into the bathtub. The shower came on and I was blasted with a coldness usually reserved for ice-baths, or walk-in freezers. I shivered but embraced the feeling of the unbearable heat being extinguished, or rather dampened.

I sighed in relief.

I managed to control my impulses long enough to get out of the shower. I stood drying my hair, fully clothed, when he knocked on the door.

“Mercy?” He asked. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!” I shouted back a bit too eagerly. I sounded slightly unhinged. I sighed and opened the door to reveal a topless Joseph with his hair pulled back in a bun, and a pair of Dutch’s glasses sat precariously on his nose. Sweat dripped down the middle of his pecs.

I licked my lips, feeling them dry again, and fought the urge to swear. I needed a strong drink. A very strong drink. 

“Yep,” The yes got stuck in my throat. I coughed. “I’m fine. **Totally** fine.” I tried to convince myself more than Joseph who didn’t look like he was buying it.

“What?!” I pushed past him to head back to the bedroom.

“I’m concerned,” Joseph said quietly. His eyes were not helping the situation. “Do you have something you need to tell me?” He looked genuinely worried. Boy, he was a good actor no wonder so many people had joined his cult. 

“I’m **completely** fine,” I began ripping open the kitchen cabinets, swearing under my breath. Dutch always had a good selection of liquor but at that moment, it was like it had all vanished from existence. 

“What are you looking for?” He asked, leaning against the counter. There was a coy smile on his face. I grumbled and continued my search with a new fury.

“I need a drink,” I whispered. He tutted at that. My head snapped around to see a judgemental Joseph watching me with disappointment in his eyes.

“I rid the bunker of everything impure, you will not find any alcohol that isn’t for medicinal purposes,” He stated simply. I looked away and clenched the edge of the sink.

“Of course,” I let my head lull forward as I tried to calm my breathing.

“Let’s talk Mercy,” He put his hands on my shoulders. "You do not need to drink to avoid your thoughts. Please let's discuss them."

“I have something to confess,” I suddenly had a devilish thought. If he wanted a confession, he would get one.

“You can tell me, child,” He said with an air of a priest, a very sadistic priest.

“I do have a sin,” I whispered, my tongue moistened my lips eager for my confession. 

He rubbed my bare shoulders. “Yes. And what is this sin you wish to confess?”

I breathed in and exhaled slowly before stating simply: “Lust.” His hands stopped their ministrations on my shoulders then tightened their hold.

“And why do you feel you must confess?” He sounded confused, or rather shocked. How could I have the sin of Lust when I had only been in the Bunker… with him? 

“I don’t think you want to know that Father,” The power was going to my head and his grip tightened.

“You can tell me anything Mercy,” He whispered hoarsely.

“Are you sure?” With a wave of bravery, I turned in his hold, his hands falling away. The stone-cold demeanour had returned. A hard shell to hide what he was thinking.

“Yes, my child, please confess your sins to me,” As if on cue, his hands went to my arms whilst his eyes searched mine looking for the trick.

“I am guilty of lust because I have impure thoughts,” I whispered looking at the ground. “About you.”

The last part made Joseph’s widen in surprise. He coughed and tried to find the words. “That is not unexpected. We are near each other constantly… but we must both strive to endure the burden of these sins. We cannot give in.” For some reason, the idea of convincing a pure-minded Joseph Seed to sin was adding to the fire not putting it out. I thought about his words before he continued.

“It will not be easy, but we must endure the pain to be free of these sins,” Joseph whispered. I looked up to see him staring at the ground as well.

“Wait, what did you mean we?”

“What? I meant we all-“

“No Joseph, I don’t buy that. Are you having some impure thoughts?” I interrupted him and found myself pinned against the fridge, his hands wrapped around my throat.

“I will not be tempted by you, or this sin,” He said roughly. The glasses had fallen from his face in the struggle. I wanted to laugh but I was starting to think John had rubbed off on me too much. I couldn’t see the consequences of my actions. I was running head first with no thought into battle.

“N-Now I get why you had the celibacy rule,” I whispered due to the restriction of my airflow.

“You could never understand,” He roared. I’d pushed a button too far again.

“I think I do,” I chuckled despite the pressure. “An attractive leader like you would have attracted all sorts of a-a-attention.” I stuttered the last part due to the increasing pressure on my throat. I coughed and spat as I struggled for air.

“I should have known better than thinking you had learned your lesson, you are so susceptible to sin, it doesn’t even need to find you, you welcome it, let it consume you and just like you helped it to consume John,” He hissed, his blue eyes raking over me. He finally released me.

“Fuck you!” I spat before pushing past him and heading back into the bathroom. That was the last we spoke on the matter.

_John’s breath hit the back of my neck. His thrusts quickened. He bit into the flesh just underneath my ear and sucked._

I stood under the shower and let my fingers get to work.

_“Mercy, please,” His sweet voice begged._

I leaned against the wall, gasping.

_“Mercy, I need you,” He pleaded as his thrusts became more erratic._

With the final memory of John spilling into me, I cried out softly into the empty bathroom. I crumpled down into the tub. Under the cold harsh rainfall of the shower, I wiped away the tears that had spilled over during my climax. My arms tightened around my knees as I cradled myself, seeking some sort of comfort even though I knew no one else had dug this hole for me to lie in.

John had been right – I turn into a right pain in the ass when I’m horny.

When I emerged from the bathroom, I found Joseph praying and I waited patiently for him to stop mumbling. Sat in the chair opposite the bed, he opened his eyes and looked at me through half-lids.

“I’m really sorry,” I looked at my feet and shuffled awkwardly.

“There’s no need to apologise, child.” Joseph stood slowly and brought his hands together at his chest. “We were both allowing ourselves to be swallowed in this tension. We are trapped in this bunker and that is at times frustrating. It can feel like we are never alone which for you may be overwhelming. We are both human.” He walked towards me with purpose.

“You are _so special_ ,” He continued as he brought his hands to my jaw. “God has delivered you to me, so I can help you. I will help you atone, even if that is a difficult path, but I trust in God’s will.” The sweetness in his voice started to sway me. Face-to-face, touching Joseph was an entirely new experience with an open mindset. Having him focus solely on me with such intensity was overwhelming. Maybe if I had met him in my teens, I would have signed up to his cult willingly.

“Thank you, Joseph,” I smiled, but backed away from his touch. He relinquished his hold on me with a grin.

“You are welcome Mercy,” His grin was entrancing.


	5. Cull the Herd

Joseph had given me his adapted bible to read. He had preached to me. He had encouraged me to pray. And I had went along with it.

I just wanted peace, I wanted the battle to end.

Every task I completed, he rewarded me with a touch, a smile or an embrace. His warm body would swallow me as he whispered how proud he was. With wide eyes, I would try to focus on the sensation of having another human being so close, to feel their breathing, to feel something that made sense.

After praying with Joseph, I laid on the sofa looking up at the metal ceiling considering this, the need to be so close to someone who had been my enemy. Whilst he was in the main room, no doubt writing or doing exercises of some sort, I was biting my lip. I willed my body to feel something. The grief had dissipated, all that was left was nothing. The chaotic undercurrent that had been in my veins during every fight had become a cool stream. My blood just trickled through me.

Memories of John no longer caused me to be paralysed or aroused. I felt nothing. I could see his blue eyes, his thick beard, or imagine his gentle touch, his forceful grabs, and there was nothing. Even remembering his body falling back into the dirt elicited no reaction.

Joseph’s sermons, speeches and prayers didn’t even rouse me.

At that moment, there was a banging. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. 

“MERCY! Are you alright, my child?” Joseph called out. The clanging became louder then a hot wave of air hit me. A thumping sensation inside my chest woke me from my daze.

The clanging stopped.

“MERCY?!” Joseph shouted again. 

I walked slowly towards the corridor. My breath caught in my throat as an unknown man stood watching me.

“Hey, look what I found Billy,” The man smirked.

I tilted my head, then I saw the gun and I was scrambling back to the kitchen. Joseph had put the guns away in one of the side rooms. I hissed, grabbed a knife and hid behind the counter. _FUCK, Fuck._

It was like I had been hit by lightning. Everything inside of me was on fire. I glanced over the counter to see two men inspecting the area with guns poised, prepared for any attack. I ducked back down, and counted my options, trying to figure out how to not get shot.

Footsteps ran down and into the room.

The men shouted. Shots rang out.

I had heard nothing louder than shooting inside a metal bunker. The sound just reverberated around me.

I clutched the kitchen knife in my hand when the shooting stopped.

A groan could be heard, and I knew it was Joseph who had taken a bullet.

“Look who it is Billy,” The voice quipped. “It’s the Father.”

“Well hello Father,” The other voice whistled. “Who’s the cute piece of ass you got stashed down here? Where is she? She doesn’t look like your typical Peggie scumbag…”

“Please children-” Joseph coughed as another blow cut him off.  

“Shut it you sick fuck!” The man retorted, and the blows continued. Each attack earned a grunt or groan from Joseph.

Joseph groaned after they had stopped beating him within an inch of his life.

My brain went into high alert, he had blindly run down with a gun to try to save me, I had hidden the whole time, now I was stuck with two men clearly hunting for supplies and whatever else they could lay their hands on. They were a threat. He was a threat, my brain reminded me. But I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell the difference and the saying “better the devil you know” seemed very accurate.

I peaked over the counter and saw them both hunched over Joseph’s crumpled form.

One crouched and inspected his clothing. The other inspected the gun he had tried to fight them off with. They weren’t that tall or muscular. One of them was skin and bones whilst the other was squat, overweight. He would be the one I would struggle with. The skinny one looked a bit like the town idiot with his blonde hair styled like Jacob’s, yet it looked very odd on such a small head.  Reminded of Jacob, I could hear him psyching me up.

_Cull the herd._

I took in a deep breath and steeled myself for what I was about to attempt to do. I crouched and kept low as they both chatted amongst themselves. Joseph spotted me but didn’t make a move or indication that would have alerted to my presence. Blood stained his upper lip and the edge of his mouth. His eyes were dazed.

I just nodded to him, kept moving and positioned myself behind them both.

I had chosen a rather thick kitchen knife. With one move, I managed to stab the one standing up with Joseph’s gun in hand. I got him right in the neck. It went through with so much force.

I felt the flesh just give way to me. His eyes were frozen in shock as he fell to the ground. Joseph’s hand gun falling to the ground.

I removed it just in time for the other one to lunge at me. He grabbed me by the neck, pinned me down. My knife still in my hand, he repeatedly hit my arm off the ground until I dropped it. I growled in anger and pushed against him.

“You! Stupid bitch!” He spat before he raised his swollen fist then swung. It connected with my jaw.

John would have been proud because I started laughing.

His punch had been strong but not strong enough to stop me thinking. I pushed up against him and he pinned me down again, throwing another punch. This time, he managed to cause some damage but in my manic state, I kept laughing. _What had the Seeds done to me?_

“What are you laughing at bitch?” He grabbed me by the neck and squeezed. I smiled widely as Joseph stood behind him. I kept grinning as my airwave was cut off. My smile was strong as I coughed and spluttered. Joseph picked up the knife and met my eyes.

I tried to nod but failed as the man pushed down harder. He caught my gaze and followed it to Joseph who was towering over us. He released his hold and went to swear.

The knife made a sickening popping sound as Joseph forced it through the man’s eye socket.

“You should have listened to me, all sins must be punished,” Joseph gloated as the man slid backwards off the knife and fell to the ground. I sucked in air quickly, looking up at Joseph. He smiled softly, offering me a hand up. I took it gladly as I used my other hand to ease the burning on my neck.

I opened my mouth to speak but he lifted a hand to silence me.

“Thank you,” He whispered. He ran a hand through my hair and pushed it back from my face. “You showed such courage, you reminded me so much of Jacob.” His fingers trailed down slowly to my lips. He looked like he was in a dream. I thought he was going to rest his forehead against mine. “Mercy,” He breathed as he pulled up my chin up. His lips collided with mine. His hands slipped down to my waist and pulled me against him.

I was stiff in his hands. I had been on fire and he had put me out with one kiss. I could taste his blood in my mouth.

His kisses became messy and sloppy. I felt his hands lose purchase, his body swayed. My hands reached out to grab when he took a breath. His face was dazed, his pupils blown wide.

“Mercy,” He breathed one last time before he pulled back to look at me. “I will need you to help me remove the bullet.” He looked down to his hip and my eyes went with him.

“Fuck!” I shouted and helped him lie down on the sofa. I grabbed a towel. I pressed down on the bullet, panicking that that wasn’t the right thing to do. I pulled up his shirt and tried to dab it again. “FFFFFUUUUUuuuuck!” I shouted. I scrambled into the next room and found Dutch’s medical supplies.

I slid across the room and quickly focused on removing the bullet.

Joseph cried out in pain as I dug for the bullet. He squirmed.

“Mercy can you find it?” He groaned.

I didn’t reply as I bit my lip and focused.

The bullet was deep in his hip. My pliers found purchase on it and I squinted as I pulled it from his skin. I looked at it in the light then let it drop to the ground. Joseph blinked rapidly, a prayer left his lips. I ignored him and focused on stitching the wound.

When I tied it, his hand took mine.

“Thank you,” He whispered, his fingers dancing over mine. “Thank you.” He repeated, his eyes studying mine.

“You’re welcome,” I replied as I cleaned all the supplies away. He sat up with a grunt and allowed me to apply a dressing. I traced the scarred letters that decorated the skin just above his belt. The word, Lust, had not been scratched out like some of the other sins that were torn into his skin. He caught me looking but said nothing. I wrapped bandages around his waist. My arms slid around to pull the bandage around his back.

“Thank you… Mercy,” He whispered again as his hand went to the back of my head and held me in an awkward embrace. He placed another kiss on the top of my head. I stopped mid-roll, never once letting go of the bandages. He released me with a content sigh. “God has truly given me a gift.”

I didn’t ask what that gift was. I was starting to suspect he was delusional, more than usual, from a head injury. I finished wrapping and turned my attention to his other injuries.

His face had taken a beating. He tilted his face under my gentle instruction, so I could inspect it in the dim bunker strip lights. It wasn’t too bad. I decided to disinfect them anyway. I applied the alcohol to a cotton pad. Dabbing the wounds, I finally looked at the Father.

Really looked at him. He was just a man. A man with a vision. A man with a deep cruel sense of authority. But he was just a man. I dabbed the split on his eyebrow and he closed his eyes. He seemed so relaxed under my gentle first-aid.

I was a bit too forceful on the edge of his lip and he hissed. He didn’t open his eyes, so I continued.

Once his face was examined, I sat back on my heels and looked him over again.

“Have I missed anywhere?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t. The idea of undressing Joseph when I was still full of adrenaline would have added fuel to the burning inside of me. 

“I think all that’s left are the parts of my body that will no doubt be covered in bruises in the next few days,” He opened his eyes slowly. 

Swallowing under his stares, I pushed up to go look at my own injuries. My face stung and I was under no illusions I probably looked a sight. I didn’t get too far, as Joseph’s hand caught mine.

“Let me,” He gestured to my face. I let him guide me to the bed and sit me just where he had been sitting. He pulled over the chair with a groan and looked me over. I sat obediently waiting for him to apply the disinfectant.

“I am sorry Mercy for what they have done to you,” He said sincerely as he applied the first bit of disinfectant to the bridge of my nose. The smell of it was making me tear up so I closed me eyes. His fingers replaced the cotton pad and turned my head from side to side. I would have bruises all over my face soon enough but right now I just looked bloody from my nose.

He started to wipe the blood from my face. He squinted as he leaned in closer, so close I could feel the breath on my cheeks. I let my eyes flutter shut to avoid the awkwardness.

He chuckled, pausing. “I think you’re going to have to take a shower to get this off.” He pulled back. My eyes opened to see him show me the rag was practically still clean. None of the blood had been removed. I groaned.

“Well I better get to it then,” I mumbled. I shuffled but Joseph’s hands went to either side of me with a grunt. He caged me in.

“If something had happened to you, I don’t know what I would have done,” He whispered, his mouth coming dangerously close again. “You’re all I have, Mercy.” The way he said my name momentarily convinced me that he could do whatever he wanted, and I would offer no resistance.  His right hand came to cup my face, his eyes still lingering on my lips. They grazed mine and I couldn’t help but relax into his hold.

“You are so special,” He said softly against my lips. My lips moved forward on their own. After a second, Joseph pulled back and rested his forehead against mine. “I am so thankful that you are here with me.”

With that he had pulled back fully and rested on the back of the chair.

He was smirking. I got the sense he was smug about something. 

It wasn’t until I stood in the sanctuary of the bathroom that I realised what I had done. My breath caught in my throat. My mind was going at a hundred miles per hour. 

I had let Joseph Seed kiss me twice. I had liked it. I had wanted him to.

 

What made it worse was I wanted more.


	6. Too Close

The days that followed the invasion left me on alert. Every noise and every creak in the cold bunker made me paranoid. Despite his injuries, Joseph was my shadow. In every room, he was there. Every breath I drew, he was watching me. He hadn’t tried to kiss me since the break in. He hadn’t even mentioned it. A part of me wanted him to bring up just to clear the air.

I decided to deal with the bodies by myself. Joseph was healing and I needed space, even if that meant being in that space with dead people.

“Mercy, please let me help you,” He protested from the bottom of the stairs.

“Please,” I looked up at him as I leaned down to grab hold of one of the men’s legs. “Let me do this.”

He said nothing but the cold look had returned again. I sighed and looked away.

The men were heavy. I dragged them one at a time down the steps after Joseph had retreated back to the bedroom. The coldest room was the armoury. The lighter one had been wrapped easily enough into some tarp. The second one was harder. I huffed out a breath and tried to not think of who else was out there. Images of the burning car kept flickering in front of my vision but I pushed it down.

I struggled to roll him into the tarp.  I managed to wrap him partially.

“ _Mercy, Mercy, Mercy_ ,” The tutting made me freeze. I looked around the room before looking down at the body.

John’s perfect face smiled up at me. “Did you miss me Mercy?” The face twisted and shifted with the bloodied face of the other dead man.

I started shaking.

“You trying to kill me again?” The dead man said in John’s sweet voice. “Don’t you love me?”

My vision went black then I was standing over John as he lay on the ground. One of Grace’s bullets lodged in his collarbone. Blood pooled around him and mixed with the puddle he lay in.

“Everyone thought he was crazy, he’s not…” John hissed. I could only watch as the faces flickered in front of me. I pushed myself off of the body. My eyes were wide as I listened to the cackle of John.

_“You don’t understand. You don’t believe. You don’t care!”_ His final words clung to me like spiders. I couldn’t breathe. I could only see the bloodied faces of John, Jacob, Grace, Jess, Eli, and all of my friends. My ignorance had killed them. I had killed them. I should have put the gun to my own head.

When I looked at the body, I only saw John. I heard their voices.

The car burned around me. The sounds of guns, and bombs fired in my ears. The sound of the burning trees after the bombs hit swallowed me.

I screamed and squeezed my eyes shut.

I clawed at my burning skin. Tears slid down my face as I sobbed in pain. It was everywhere. It was pushing underneath my skin. The guilt pooled in my stomach.

I screamed out again.

Hands grabbed mine. I braced for the blow I knew was coming. The blow I knew I deserved.

“Mercy, you must come back to me.”

I cried out in pain. I could only feel the pain.

“Mercy.”

I felt a hand cup my face and a gentle thumb rub at my cheek. It was like someone had hit the stop button. I batted open my eyes to see a tearful Joseph.

He cradled me. I let him.

“I killed them,” I whispered. The war inside me stilled and ceased fire. I sighed out a breath as I let it sink in.

“I killed them,” I repeated.  

Thankfully, Joseph said nothing.

“You were right,” I whispered and allowed myself to be pulled into a hug. He whispered into my hair and peppered my forehead with kisses as we sank further onto the ground.

We lay there in silence, wrapped in each other, surrounded by the death we knew too well.

 


	7. Weakness

Joseph allowed me to help with cleaning and re-bandaging the wound. I focused on my work and let myself enjoy the process of cleaning the wounds with a cotton pad and alcohol. Joseph hissed quietly at the sting of it. I let myself glance at his face but immediately blushed at the proximity. My face was at his stomach level. I was very close to very certain parts of Joseph that I had only been near in dreams.

“What is the matter?” He asked innocently. Straightening, I ignored him but smiled in response and began wrapping the bullet wound in his hip. I pressed the adhesive patch around the wound but struggled to put it flat down at the edge that met his jeans. Without looking up, I pushed down his jeans slightly and let my fingertips dance on the soft skin.

Joseph took in a sharp breath. I glanced up to see Joseph letting his head roll back as he released the breath. Still looking at his face, I let my fingertips slip under the edge of his jeans, they slid effortlessly over soft skin before coming into contact with coarse hair.

Before I could continue, he grabbed my hand.

“I think I will apply the dressing from now on my child,” His cold blue eyes met mine with no glimmer of any emotion. He had put back up his wall. His religious titles made me recoil at his touch.

I withdrew my hand and found my feet taking me out of the bedroom but before I crossed the threshold, he grabbed me from behind and pinned me against the wall facing him. I struggled for a moment then met his eager gaze.

“You are so special Mercy,” His hand came up to my face. “But we must not give into sin. Not inside these walls.” He was saying this whilst never looking away from my lips. “We must not let Lust consume us.” His thumb seemed to disobey him and found its way to my bottom lip, pulling at it slightly. “We must repent these sins. I can save you.”

I didn’t breathe. I didn’t speak. He watched me for a second before placing the gentlest of kisses on my lips. Then he pulled back and returned to his usual seat next to the bed, bible in hand.

I was dismissed. I stood in shock before finding myself closing the door to the bathroom.

He was teasing me again and again. What was worse I was loving every second of it. It sickened me and I stared at myself in the mirror.  He had been the enemy and I could only see him as a necessary end of the world booty call. 

Joseph had shattered my world then helped me to rearrange it. He had been right. He had predicted everything. I had been wrong. He had forgiven me. He had saved me.

His touch echoed in my mind and I could feel a stirring inside me. His kisses, his breath, his hands grappling for purchase. I shook my head to dispel the horny fog that was starting to cloud my mind. I braced myself on the sink and looked up at myself through dishevelled hair.

My hair clung greasily to my head and my skin looked pale. I needed a shower.

The shower had been refreshing and I shook out my hair before wrapping a towel around myself. I stepped out into the bunker. I carefully tiptoed into the bedroom. Pages of scrawled text were pasted to the walls. I had ignored them until now. Joseph was always in the bedroom with me and I didn’t want to see that smug smile.  I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans as I squinted at a page above the bed. It detailed a new mission from God. Even though I now knew he was right about everything, I rolled my eyes. Pulling on a shirt, I paused as I buttoned it. It smelled of him. It drew me in. I closed my eyes and inhaled.

I couldn’t place the smell, but it comforted me. I continued buttoning the shirt.

Joseph had been busy writing. I just had never noticed properly how much work he had done. The full wall behind the headboard was now covered. He spoke of materialism and the fall of the old ways. One note detailed how he thought about killing me as a mercy.

I straightened too quickly and found my vision spinning.

Holding my head in my hands, I tried to reason with myself that I had also wanted to kill him in the first days, I also wanted to end him but not as a mercy.

I groaned and threw my hands against the wall. My eyes opened to read another page:

_God has spoken to me. My work is not done. I must overcome my sins. I must stay true to the path._ _The deputy is processing her guilt as I have forgiven her, and I will show her the righteous path. I believe God sent her to me so I must cherish her. She is so special. I have shown her what it is to judge and be judged so she can follow me into the New Eden._

I smiled. His words soothed the fire burning in my chest. The anger of being a pawn by another power-hungry man dissipated quickly. Despite everything I had done, everything I had witnessed, he wanted me to survive.

I stood back and surveyed the spreading of Joseph’s word. In future years, it would no doubt spread past the bedroom into other rooms in the bunker.

Yawning, I searched for a pocket watch that Dutch had left behind. It was 9pm. Since the break-in, I had lost track of time in the bunker. It had been at least a month, or maybe it was longer.

How much time had passed since I was first dragged into this bunker? How long had it been since I lost everything that meant something to me? The guilt still stung but it no longer drove me insane. I wiped away the tears then sat on the edge of the bed. My eyes closed and I prayed to someone, anyone, to make sure that those I had lost were in a better place.

I whispered their names one by one and tried to picture them together in a place free of violence. When I could picture them together, smiling, laughing around a large table, I felt a release. Something inside of me unfurled. The restriction in my chest had eased.

There was the sound of footsteps and I opened my eyes just as Joseph entered the room. With one look, he knew exactly what I had been doing. He smiled warmly before he took a seat. I averted my gaze to prevent myself from looking at his open shirt.

“Shall we pray together my child?” He asked simply before I nodded. He leaned forward onto his knees and clasped his hands. We prayed in silence. My eyes struggled to stay closed but before long he whispered, “Amen.”

“Amen,” I repeated after him, never looking away from his piercing blue eyes. 

I caught the faint outline of a smile on his face and had a thought: "Thank you Joseph."

At that comment, his small smile turned into a full grin. "You're welcome, my child."


	8. Count my sins

I was tied again to this chair. Again, I was looking at the bloodied face of John Seed. Again, I could feel the pain ripple through my skin. I screamed at John who just smiled. I screamed for him.

“Mercy,” came a whisper. My screams became more insistent.

“Mercy!” Joseph shouted. I groggily pulled myself from the dream to find Joseph on top of me, pinning me down.

“Mercy it is only a dream,” He whispered. I could only stare at him as my brain processed where I was. I was in the bunker. I was in bed with Joseph Seed. I was not outside. I was not on fire. I was not with my dead lover.

“But John,” My face was damp as I met Joseph’s concerned eyes. Suddenly there was anger. He pushed off of me.

“He is gone. It is your fault.” Joseph whispered. “But you are here for a reason.” His hand cupped my cheek. “You are here by God’s will. There is much more for you to do, you are not beyond salvation.” He whispered closer this time. The words tumbled out quietly, his hand began drifting down my face to my chin to my neck. It wasn’t a chokehold this time: it was a test. His thumb curved into the dip of my throat.

I struggled against his touch defiantly. He swiftly pinned me back down with rage clear on his face. His hand squeezed my neck. I whimpered, tired of the constant push and pull of our every interaction. A part of me wished he would just kill me.

It was quiet in the bunker except for the sound of our breathing.

My heart thumped in my ear. Joseph was so close. His lips were inches from mine, pink soft lips. His resolve had changed. His blue eyes searched mine for an indication of anything.

“In a world where you had never destroyed so much, I would find you so enchanting,” He whispered, his lips grazing mine. He pulled back but before he could get off of me, I wrapped my free hand behind his neck and brought him back to me. He eyed me with concern.

“What are you doing Mercy?” he asked hesitantly. I answered with a kiss. He responded enthusiastically like a man deprived of water. His hands fumbled over my shoulders down to my stomach. I rolled us so I was on top of him.  I sat up to get some air despite his possessive hands which had settled on my hips. He was looking at me with new eyes and a face devoid of a preacher.

His shirt had fell open in the move. I could see the blood-stained bandage on his hip and thought about pausing but I had come so far and I was sure the Father was used to some amount of pain. The look on his face was not telling me to stop, it was telling me to keep going.

I unbuttoned my own shirt and let it drop carefully on the floor. I had not worn a bra. I ran my hands up his chest. The feeling of skin moving under my fingers filled me with comfort, and a thirst for more. His own hands took over and ran over my jeans onto my stomach, and up to my breasts. He caressed them carefully and gently.

A hunger had swept over his face.

I found myself on my back again. His kisses stained my face, neck and chest as clumsy hands unbuttoned my jeans. My underwear and jeans found a new home on the floor. He kissed me deeply. I heard the unclicking of a belt then my eyes flew open. He stilled as I adjusted to the new sensation of him inside me.

“You are so special,” He whispered as he smoothed my hair back from my face, cradling my head. “I will not abandon you.” His voice was weak. He strained himself to hold and wait for me. His kisses continued before he pulled back to watch my face. It wasn’t too long before my hips of their own accord shifted to make him move. He groaned at the sensation and settled into an easy rhythm. He leaned back down onto his forearms. His kisses had been replaced with playful pecks on my neck. He was gentle. It surprised me.

The sensation started to take over and I moaned at his movements which earned me a smile. He sat up and began moving more roughly. I savoured every minute of it. Every move was bliss. I cried out for him.

His fingers began playing with me. It was too much. The build erupted.

I cried out for him. I cried out for him like I needed him to breathe.

“Oh Mercy,” He fell back down on top of me and his thrusts became more erratic. I dug my nails into his clothed back. His thrusts met my hips heavily.

He cried out softly before he slowed to a stop then collapsed onto my body. We both panted before coming to our senses. Joseph pulled back.

He blinked and looked at me. His face twisted in confusion. He untangled himself from me and stood.

Pulling back on his jeans, he didn’t look at me. He just took a hold of his rosary beads and bible. He left the room. I stared at the ceiling as I realised that I had just screwed Joseph Seed, my former enemy, and no part of me seemed revolted.

Most of my body was pretty delighted.


	9. Is that a proposal?

Like most uncomfortable topics in the bunker, we didn’t mention that night to each other. The tension felt like static electricity, bound to snap at any moment.

I washed the dishes in silence. Joseph sat at the table behind me, reading his bible again. The food slid from the plates with little effort from the crappy sponge Dutch had left in the bunker. The silence was calming yet heavy. My mind began wandering off down some seedy alleyways at the sound of Joseph sighing loudly.

Shaking myself, I turned my attention to drying the dishes in the awkward silence. When I had finished, I decided to make a pot of coffee using some bland instant brand that Dutch had stocked up on too much. I placed a kettle on the stove and turned to find Joseph focused on his bible.

“Do you want a coffee?” I asked simply.

“Yes,” was Joseph’s simple reply. I grimaced but proceeded to set two mugs and filled them each with a teaspoon of coffee.

I leaned back against the counter and hummed softly to distract myself from the tension that was bubbling. It felt like it was a string in the air that I could ping with my finger. One night had seemingly put us back to square one.

“Mercy,” Joseph’s voice cut through my thoughts.

“Yes, Joseph?” I found myself under his piercing gaze.

“I should apologize for the other night,” He said firmly and rigidly. “My actions were not… they were sinful and for furthering your sins as well as my own, I apologize.”

My mouth twitched.

“My sins?” I nearly laughed. “You’re concerned about my sins… we had sex Joseph. Not surprising in our close proximity and everything that’s happened.”

“Mercy, I don’t think you understand,” He shoved back his chair and stood. “I don’t want our coexistence to be simply carnal desires. I do not want, most of all, to debase you in a manner that is unacceptable in the new Eden.”

I blinked and the kettle whistled angrily. I sucked in a breath, tried to process what he had said, and poured the two coffees. I offered Joseph his mug before cupping mine. He blew on the coffee lightly.

“Do you understand what I’m saying, Mercy?” Joseph repeated out to rest a hand on my shoulder. I glanced between his hand and his eyes before trying to take a sip of my burning hot coffee.

“No, I don’t think I fully do,” I stated simply. It was my best answer. I had no clue what he was saying.

“Mercy, I want you to be more to me than a simple animalistic act,” He squeezed my shoulder then took a step back. “I can save you and you can save me. I wish us to begin a courtship of sorts. I want you to be treated as more than just flesh.”

“What?” I asked, still trying to process the idea of being asked out by a formidable cult leader.

“I want to court you Mercy,” Joseph stated. “In the hopes of one day being part of a holy union. We were enemies and now I know God has sent you to me for a greater purpose. Would that be alright with you?”

I nodded simply and watched Joseph sweetly lean in to place a soft kiss on my cheek. I blinked rapidly trying not to panic. This was a trap. He had been right about everything, he had been volatile, he had been impulsive, he had been guarded, and he had most of all been right. I had been the one to mess up everything.

I just nodded again and took a sip of coffee.

 

What I hadn’t realised was when Joseph meant courting, he really meant courting. He started to sleep again on the couch in the living room. He remained fully clothed at all times and he was nothing but helpful. He offered to do all chores for me, he read to me, and he remained at an acceptable distance at all times. This was lovely but a part of me had become very tired of the charade. I was starting to crave him again. I could remember the way his skin felt against mine so vividly that I thought I was starting to hallucinate. His eyes could morph so easily into the blown-out pupils of lust but then he would ruin it by asking me about my favourite book or film.

What he did next was a surprise.

Joseph found me laying on my bed reading.

“Mercy, I have a surprise for you,” He stood over me warmly with a giddy smile and an outstretched hand. I took his hand and allowed him to lead me into the living room.

A blanket was laid out on the floor in front of the TV which had electricity and was frozen on a scene from the start of Grease. I looked at Joseph with a raised eyebrow. I would have thought Grease was a little too sinful, but he shrugged and gestured for me to sit. With a small smile I took a seat on the tartan blanket between the pillows that had been sourced from around the bunker. Joseph quickly turned off the main lights and produced a bag of popcorn that he must have popped in the microwave.

I had thought the radio been a bit too loud earlier. I might have also dozed off at one point.

Trying to suppress a giddy smile, I took the bag of offered popcorn and settled in to watch the cheesy 70s romantic musical. I leaned back against the sofa next to Joseph who keep his hands firmly on his lap.

I leaned against him and heard him exhale. I smiled widely, just savouring the surreal moment.


	10. I need you closer

Having watched Grease about a million times as a child and teenager, I found myself distracted by the strange proximity to Joseph. He was a scary, violent, temperamental, childish, and volatile cult leader but at the same time, he reminded me again and again that he was a man. He was just a man. An attractive man who had kept in fantastic shape. A man who had shown me kindness and compassion when I had also been so violent and terrible. A man who seemed eager to gain my love. A man who had been weirdly amazing in bed. 

I tried to subdue the more sinful thoughts racing through my mind and focused on eating the popcorn he had given me. When I grew tired of eating, I let my head fall onto his shoulder.

“Let me,” He said before putting a warm arm around my shoulders. I sighed at the heat that was radiating off of him.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

There was a dreamlike quality to this whole surprise. If I hadn’t known that all of the bliss would have been destroyed in the explosion, I would have thought he had drugged me. He had picked a film for me and set up a make-shift cinema experience for me with no demand for sex at the end of it. For someone who had been so powerful, it had been slightly unnerving to see him this considerate.

“Why did you pick this film, Joseph?” I asked.

“You said the other day you watched it as a child so I thought it would be comforting for you,” He looked at me with a small smile.

“I feel like you know so much about me, and I know not that much about you,” I replied before placing the popcorn on the blanket next to me.

“In due time,” He smiled. “Don’t worry Mercy, I will tell you everything you want to know.”

“Always got to be so secretive father?” I nudged him gently. He chuckled.

“I promise I will tell you everything,” He smiled.

He looked back to the film and I took this a sign to focus on the film that I had watched too many times. His warmth was inviting, and my hand snaked around his waist. I felt him pull me closer, but it didn’t go any further. It was a safe embrace. There was no room for any sinful movement or skin-to-skin contact.

Without much thought, I had fallen asleep with my head on Joseph’s shoulder. His fingers brushed against my cheek to gently wake me. I blinked my eyes open to find his bright blue eyes watching me with a look I had only seen given to his strongest and most faithful followers.

“Did the film finish?” I asked before pulling back as I rubbed my eyes.

Joseph cupped my cheek and smirked, “Yes it did but it’s alright we can watch it another time.”

He disentangled himself from me and stood up. My body ached from the lack of contact. I was so desperate for some sort of affection. I stood too but before he could move away, I reached out a hand to his jaw. He paused to look at me, but I slowly stepped closer and maintained eye contact.

“Thank you, Joseph, I appreciate it,” I whispered before I stood on my tiptoes to press a soft kiss against his lips. His hand shot up to grab my wrist then he softened to hold my hand against his cheek. His other hand found the base of my back and pulled me closer. His kisses were chaste and sweet. He was being so restrained that I had to resist the urge to push him back onto the sofa and straddle him.

Sensing that it wasn’t going to go any further, I decided to enjoy it. His lips were soft. He pulled back briefly to regain his breath before finding my lips again. We finally pulled apart from each other to breathe. His smile was small, but his cheeks were flushed, and I was suddenly aware he had moved his hips away so I could no longer feel them against me.

“Thank you, Mercy, for a wonderful night,” His hand caressed my face and his eyes looked deeply into mine. I couldn’t find the words. He was mesmerising this close.

“I think it is time for you to get to bed,” He chuckled and squeezed my hip gently before he stepped fully back. I looked at him carefully before I walked on autopilot to the bed. I sat down on the bed heavily, and tried to force myself to get ready for sleep.

 

Even after I had changed, and laid under the covers, I found no sleep. I stared at the ceiling of the bunker and tried not to fidget. He had been so gentle, patient and considerate. Why did it piss me off? Why was I so annoyed? I wanted him. I cared for him. _He was winning me over._

His smile, his touch, his voice was driving me insane. His smell lingered on the bed beneath me. I wanted to be near him so desperately.

My bare feet met the concrete floor. I sat, with hands white-knuckled grabbing the mattress. I pushed myself up and let my memory guide me in the dark to the sofa in the living room space. I stood at the door and in the dim light, I could see his sleeping form underneath a blanket. His breathing was soft in the silence; I had to strain to hear it. Suddenly unsure, I just stood there like an idiot.

He was perfection but did I just think that because I was stuck in a bunker with him? Did I just think I loved him?... Shit, I had thought I loved Joseph Seed. Stupid Joseph Seed. I was in love with Joseph Seed. I wanted Joseph Seed. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to steady myself.

“Mercy?” His voice broke through my inner panic. Even in the dim lighting, I could see his blue eyes like a beacon.

In that moment, all the chatter died away. I took slow careful steps towards him. He sat up and rubbed his eyes to look at me.

“Are you alright?” Joseph asked with concern. His concern changed quickly into desire when I slowly pushed my pants down my legs to the floor. I stepped out of them carefully

“I’m fine,” I whispered calmly before pulling back his blanket roughly. He didn’t protest. He watched me as I carefully climbed onto the sofa to straddle his hips. I sat there considering him for a moment. He quickly put his hands to my hips and squeezed.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Joseph asked but I could feel him straining underneath me. His excitement at the current situation was evident in his jeans.

“Yes, do you want to do this?” I asked as I moved my hips slightly and was rewarded with a quiet moan.

“Of course, I do,” He stated. “I just don’t want this to be about sex. I meant what I said before…I want us to be joined in a holy union, I want this to be about more than simply our carnal desires… I want God to welcome us and accept us into the New Eden.”

I took a breath and stilled.

“I want that too,” I whispered. “I want to-“ I took in a deep breath. “I want to be with you… as…” I sighed and felt silly. I felt ridiculous sitting on top of Joseph Seed practically naked.

“Go on, you can tell me,” he whispered. His hand came up to cup my cheek and I found myself being intently examined.

“I think,” I looked away to avoid blushing even more. “I think I want to be your wife.” I finally looked at him and he looked shocked.

“Are you okay?” I asked sheepishly. His hand was frozen against my face.

“I am…” He sat up further to cling to me. “I am so happy.” His kisses smothered every inch of my face and neck. He quickly wrapped his arms around me and ground up against me. “I want you so badly Mercy. I cannot wait to make you my wife.”

Before my mind could start overthinking, his hands trailed down to my ass.

“Shall we do it one last time as sinners? I don't think I can wait,” Joseph smirked against the skin of my neck and I could only nod. He chuckled and bit down into my neck. I moaned loudly and let him roll us over. I watched as I laid on my back and he stood up to carefully remove each piece of clothing. His belt clattered to the ground loudly.

He moved towards me, about to take me on my back. I threw out a hand and stood to meet him. I turned him. With an eager smile, he fell back into the sofa.

“I want to be on top,” I grinned before straddling him. “I want to hear you moan for me.”

I slid onto him easily. His breath became ragged and shallow.

“Mercy,” He groaned and took hold of my hair. He pulled my head back roughly and ground up into me. His moans were getting louder with each thrust.

This was going to be quick. My hand snaked down between us but was soon batted away by Joseph’s hand which took its place. It didn’t take long to have me crying out for him. I had been so tightly wound for days that I was sensitive to every move and touch. I squirmed as my orgasm washed over me. My head fell back as his thrusts became more urgent and forceful.

“Mercy, _fuck_ ,” He hissed as he fell over the edge after me.

I felt his kisses pepper my exposed neck and I straightened to meet my future husband’s eyes.

“I love you,” I whispered and watched Joseph’s eyes widen before they warmed to me.

“I love you,” He replied before bringing me in for another kiss.


End file.
